Cheating vs Ethical Non-Monogamy
Despite my claim to being a Hedonist, I sometimes can't help but do things the hard way. It could be argued that the hard way is a form of pleasure, but my motivations are usually taking the hard way to provide a pleasurable outcome. In other words, the ends justify the means.
When it comes to the ongoing search for sexual nirvana, I'm fairly particular in my "ends". I want to feel good physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (Yes, I am an atheist and I use the word "spiritually" as a catch all for any metaphysical realm of existence not covered under physical, emotional, and mental.) I want to feel good, I want the people I have sex with to feel good, and I want all involved participants to not be saddled with guilt, shame, worry, or any other negative baggage that people can carry around sex.
I married my wife almost a decade ago, and before we got married I committed the worst marital sin a person can commit....I was dishonest with myself. My (then) fiancé and I had very strong feelings for each other and I knew that she was special, good for me, and that I'd regret it if she were out of my life but at the same time I knew that there was a sexual deficit. She is politically/socially liberal yet very conservative sexually. Knowing this I didn't tell her before the marriage that I was bisexual and kinky for fear of losing her. I figured that I would compartmentalize that part of my life and file it away in the mental recesses of my brain, only to be occasionally visited through vicarious Internet porn masturbation.
After a few years into the marriage, what little vanilla sex we did have tapered off in frequency from once a week to once every six months. It didn't take very long before I was jacking off in front of the computer every night, and getting onto dating sites geared towards gay/bi/kink lifestyles. I started to rationalize in my mind cheating on her. With her leaving town for work sometimes, I would have the opportunities. I starting thinking of all the angles of how to get away with it, and then I played the Devil's Advocate...what if I got caught? Oh shit. How easy would it be for that to happen? She could read me if I got nervous and tried to lie when she suspected something, and what if she discovered some evidence? Found something on my computer or phone? I wasn't so much as worried about what would happen to me (probably divorce) as much as I was worried about how much it would hurt her. To be deceived is a form of violation of trust that can never be truly fully healed from. As desperate as I was for hot-kinky-nasty-sweaty-screaming-mind-blowing-register-on-the-richter-scale sex, the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her.
So at that point I figured out that I had screwed up. I should have been honest with myself and with her about who I was and what my needs were before we got married. Only three years into it, I figured it was time to either make it or break it, and it was up to me to do the right thing. I had to be honest about who I was and what I needed, and that something had to change. I had to come out to her.
And now here we are. Life is good. Our agreements are simple; play safe (safe sex), we don't share our bed (anywhere else in the house is ok), and we communicate if we feel uncomfortable. I realize that my situation is rare and I understand why so many guys stay in the closet. I wish that there wasn't any suffering over sexuality and marriage, and I know that I can't save the world, but I am willing to help anyone who wants to get to where I am. If you need help, just ask me.
When it comes to the ongoing search for sexual nirvana, I'm fairly particular in my "ends". I want to feel good physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (Yes, I am an atheist and I use the word "spiritually" as a catch all for any metaphysical realm of existence not covered under physical, emotional, and mental.) I want to feel good, I want the people I have sex with to feel good, and I want all involved participants to not be saddled with guilt, shame, worry, or any other negative baggage that people can carry around sex.
I married my wife almost a decade ago, and before we got married I committed the worst marital sin a person can commit....I was dishonest with myself. My (then) fiancé and I had very strong feelings for each other and I knew that she was special, good for me, and that I'd regret it if she were out of my life but at the same time I knew that there was a sexual deficit. She is politically/socially liberal yet very conservative sexually. Knowing this I didn't tell her before the marriage that I was bisexual and kinky for fear of losing her. I figured that I would compartmentalize that part of my life and file it away in the mental recesses of my brain, only to be occasionally visited through vicarious Internet porn masturbation.
After a few years into the marriage, what little vanilla sex we did have tapered off in frequency from once a week to once every six months. It didn't take very long before I was jacking off in front of the computer every night, and getting onto dating sites geared towards gay/bi/kink lifestyles. I started to rationalize in my mind cheating on her. With her leaving town for work sometimes, I would have the opportunities. I starting thinking of all the angles of how to get away with it, and then I played the Devil's Advocate...what if I got caught? Oh shit. How easy would it be for that to happen? She could read me if I got nervous and tried to lie when she suspected something, and what if she discovered some evidence? Found something on my computer or phone? I wasn't so much as worried about what would happen to me (probably divorce) as much as I was worried about how much it would hurt her. To be deceived is a form of violation of trust that can never be truly fully healed from. As desperate as I was for hot-kinky-nasty-sweaty-screaming-mind-blowing-register-on-the-richter-scale sex, the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her.
So at that point I figured out that I had screwed up. I should have been honest with myself and with her about who I was and what my needs were before we got married. Only three years into it, I figured it was time to either make it or break it, and it was up to me to do the right thing. I had to be honest about who I was and what I needed, and that something had to change. I had to come out to her.
My approach to telling my wife was to pick a day where there was no distractions. Both of us had the day off, no plans to go anywhere that day. I wanted to make sure that if it was going to be a 6 hour discussion that we would have time for that. She was in a fair to good mood...not feeling physically bad, had a good nights sleep the night before, no bad news recently or bad days at work. I had not previously dropped any hints. I told her that we needed to sit down on the sofa and talk. I told her that I needed to get something off my chest. I told her that I needed to open up to her and get this off my chest because I was living my life in quiet desperation. I looked her straight in the eyes the whole time. I told her that I love her and that our marriage was one of the greatest things in my life, and how much she meant to me. The joy in my heart that her presence gives me and my desire to continue to grow older with her at my side. I wasn't "laying it on thick", I was being honest and sincere, and most women (at least my wife) can spot a phony line from a mile away so she knew I was being real.
I told her that everything about our life together was good for me except in one area, and that was sex. Specifically, the lack of frequency for me. I told her that the problem was not her. I made it very clear that she was fine and I accepted her the way she was and did not expect her to put out any more than she wanted to. She acknowledged that we hadn't had sex as often as we used to, and didn't know what to do about it. I assured her that I didn't need for her to "fix" anything, just listen to me and know where I am coming from. I pointed out that for me sex is an emotional and spiritual need as well as a physical need, and that I was gasping for air.
Once she understood and acknowledged that part and was taking it well, I moved on. I then told her that it was not just the lack of frequency, but I was missing variety (she is very vanilla). I told her that I need more than just missionary get-it-over-with-and-roll-over kind of sex, that I was really needing kink. She didn't ask for specifics of what I meant by "kink", but I gave some general categories like roleplaying, spanking, bondage, etc. I assured her that I didn't expect her to get into all this stuff and I didn't want to "fix" her because there was nothing wrong with her at all. It was just that in this one aspect of life, we were on different wavelengths.
Again, she took it well and understood, acknowledged me and knew that I wasn't telling her that she had to be kinky for me. She said "oh, ok" and her body language was open and accepting (no folded arms, no looking away, no fidgeting). Then I told her that I had something else to tell her, and that it was very difficult for me to say this. I told her that very few people knew this about me and I didn't want to keep it a secret from her any longer because it was eating away at me. I told her that I was talking slowly and carefully because I was scared, and mostly scared of losing her. She just leaned in and listened. I said "I am bisexual". I told her that in the past before I met her I had some experiences with men and that part of me was still in my mind. I made it clear the difference between gay and bisexual, and that I was definitely bi.
My wife is somewhat stoic and doesn't react very animatedly, so I asked her how she felt about me. She said that she was surprised but loved me and loved me even more for trusting her and being honest with her. We hugged and kissed, I thanked her for listening to me, loving me, accepting me, being my most trusted and best friend. Isn't that what a spouse should be?
After she had some time to process, then the question came up "So what does that mean for me? Do you want to leave me and go live with some guy?". I assured her that no, I wanted to stay with her and that I loved her, and that I just needed to be honest with her, I needed for her to know me so I could fully be myself. I gave her the example of what if she found the gay/bi porn on my computer.
At that point I did not suggest polyamory or anything. I came out to her, and that was a big enough bomb to drop. We spent the next several months completely monogamous, but with her knowing I was bi I then didn't have to hide that I was a member of a Bi/Gay husbands-out-to-wives support group. She saw that I was still the same guy that she met and fell in love with, but even better because now I was honest and trusted her. Her place as "The Wife" was not threatened, I wasn't marching in Pride parades in leather chaps, life went on as normal. We laughed at the time I helped her pick out her outfit for an evening out, and she questioned the blouse I was matching with her shoes and then realized that it worked...."well, I am half-Gay!" as if I have newly found fashionista powers.
Meanwhile, I was reading up on polyamory...how to do it, how to open up an existing relationship, where other people made mistakes, etc. Several months later, my wife and I were having sex and it wasn't quite working out so well (different wavelengths, I couldn't cum) and that's when my wife made an offhand comment "maybe I should just send you out to have sex with other people". She left for work and when she came back home we sat on the sofa and had another talk.
"Remember when you said........" That was when I suggested the concept of an open marriage and had the book "The Ethical Slut" in hand to give her to read. It is considered the Bible of polyamory, although there are many other books that are excellent out now. She read it, loved it, we talked about how to try it, what are concerns were, what we both wanted out of it, came to an agreement and put it into action.
I told her that everything about our life together was good for me except in one area, and that was sex. Specifically, the lack of frequency for me. I told her that the problem was not her. I made it very clear that she was fine and I accepted her the way she was and did not expect her to put out any more than she wanted to. She acknowledged that we hadn't had sex as often as we used to, and didn't know what to do about it. I assured her that I didn't need for her to "fix" anything, just listen to me and know where I am coming from. I pointed out that for me sex is an emotional and spiritual need as well as a physical need, and that I was gasping for air.
Once she understood and acknowledged that part and was taking it well, I moved on. I then told her that it was not just the lack of frequency, but I was missing variety (she is very vanilla). I told her that I need more than just missionary get-it-over-with-and-roll-over kind of sex, that I was really needing kink. She didn't ask for specifics of what I meant by "kink", but I gave some general categories like roleplaying, spanking, bondage, etc. I assured her that I didn't expect her to get into all this stuff and I didn't want to "fix" her because there was nothing wrong with her at all. It was just that in this one aspect of life, we were on different wavelengths.
Again, she took it well and understood, acknowledged me and knew that I wasn't telling her that she had to be kinky for me. She said "oh, ok" and her body language was open and accepting (no folded arms, no looking away, no fidgeting). Then I told her that I had something else to tell her, and that it was very difficult for me to say this. I told her that very few people knew this about me and I didn't want to keep it a secret from her any longer because it was eating away at me. I told her that I was talking slowly and carefully because I was scared, and mostly scared of losing her. She just leaned in and listened. I said "I am bisexual". I told her that in the past before I met her I had some experiences with men and that part of me was still in my mind. I made it clear the difference between gay and bisexual, and that I was definitely bi.
My wife is somewhat stoic and doesn't react very animatedly, so I asked her how she felt about me. She said that she was surprised but loved me and loved me even more for trusting her and being honest with her. We hugged and kissed, I thanked her for listening to me, loving me, accepting me, being my most trusted and best friend. Isn't that what a spouse should be?
After she had some time to process, then the question came up "So what does that mean for me? Do you want to leave me and go live with some guy?". I assured her that no, I wanted to stay with her and that I loved her, and that I just needed to be honest with her, I needed for her to know me so I could fully be myself. I gave her the example of what if she found the gay/bi porn on my computer.
At that point I did not suggest polyamory or anything. I came out to her, and that was a big enough bomb to drop. We spent the next several months completely monogamous, but with her knowing I was bi I then didn't have to hide that I was a member of a Bi/Gay husbands-out-to-wives support group. She saw that I was still the same guy that she met and fell in love with, but even better because now I was honest and trusted her. Her place as "The Wife" was not threatened, I wasn't marching in Pride parades in leather chaps, life went on as normal. We laughed at the time I helped her pick out her outfit for an evening out, and she questioned the blouse I was matching with her shoes and then realized that it worked...."well, I am half-Gay!" as if I have newly found fashionista powers.
Meanwhile, I was reading up on polyamory...how to do it, how to open up an existing relationship, where other people made mistakes, etc. Several months later, my wife and I were having sex and it wasn't quite working out so well (different wavelengths, I couldn't cum) and that's when my wife made an offhand comment "maybe I should just send you out to have sex with other people". She left for work and when she came back home we sat on the sofa and had another talk.
"Remember when you said........" That was when I suggested the concept of an open marriage and had the book "The Ethical Slut" in hand to give her to read. It is considered the Bible of polyamory, although there are many other books that are excellent out now. She read it, loved it, we talked about how to try it, what are concerns were, what we both wanted out of it, came to an agreement and put it into action.
And now here we are. Life is good. Our agreements are simple; play safe (safe sex), we don't share our bed (anywhere else in the house is ok), and we communicate if we feel uncomfortable. I realize that my situation is rare and I understand why so many guys stay in the closet. I wish that there wasn't any suffering over sexuality and marriage, and I know that I can't save the world, but I am willing to help anyone who wants to get to where I am. If you need help, just ask me.
And now back to my original point (remember? I had a point?) of taking the hard way. The vast majority of the guys I meet online who are looking for some male to male fun are on the down low (cheating). Many are in a sexless marriage and too afraid to tell their wives even just that their basic needs are not being met, let alone that they crave some male to male action. I constantly turn down meeting with guys who I would otherwise want to get together with, because the the tenet of ethical polyamory is that all parties know and consent, including the significant others.
Whew! Enough talking, how about some pics?
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